


It Matters

by pattonprose



Category: Marble Hornets
Genre: Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Slenderverse, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-22
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:28:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21895903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pattonprose/pseuds/pattonprose
Summary: christmas gift for my bestest friend :3disclaimer: jay is trans and autistic in this and tim is gay so please don't be weird, transphobes, fujoshis,and ableists dni.
Relationships: Jay Merrick/Timothy "Tim" Wright, Jay/Timothy "Tim" W.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 54





	1. Chapter 1

Jay tapped his hand repetitively on his leg, which was also bouncing in tune with his fingers, thumping against the passenger seats floor of Tim’s car. He took shallow breaths, feeling his heart pound with anxiety. A tightening sensation wrapped around his chest, and he wasn’t sure if that was what a heart attack felt like or if he was just incredibly aware of his old binder. 

_ God, why today? Why did I pick today?  _

He was biting his tongue now, jerking slightly occasionally with nervous tics wracking down his spine. 

_ Why? _

He broke his hand free from the repetitive fidgeting, shoving both into the pockets of his old olive jacket. He hadn’t been this scared of something in a while. Well, other than what he dealt with on a daily basis. But this was a new kind of fear he hadn’t felt since high school. Though, then it was choice girls he really had no interest in, and then Alex. But that didn’t last long, once he realized he wasn’t Alex's primary concern. 

This time it was stronger, it hurt more.

It mattered.

He took the deepest inhale he could muster, taking a minute to rationalize.

_ I need to tell him because it matters. If either of us die, he needs to know before. It matters. _

_ I have to tell him I love him. _

Jay hunched over then, holding himself up with his elbows on his knees, pressing his palms against his eyes. He took another shaky sigh and shook his head slightly, some of his hair falling out from underneath his hat. 

_ I just don’t know how yet. _

That’s when the driver sides door clicked opened, Tim plopping in causing the car to bounce just a bit. Jay didn’t have time to process it until Tim was slamming the door, causing the other male to shoot up yelling at the sudden noise. 

“Ope, sorry. Loud noises, forgot.” Tim said, flinging a cigarette bud out the window, fidgeting with the straps of his body cam. Jay didn’t like the smell of cigarette smoke, so Tim was always sure to be done with one before he came in. Though Jay still didn’t like the remaining scent he always brought in. It stuck to his clothes too much. 

“I-It's fine.” Jay stammered out, fixing his posture in his seat slowly. He noticed Tim clicking the buckle of his seat, so he did the same. It took a second, as his hands were still shaky. 

“Alright, next stop is to…  _ wherever _ the hell.” Tim said, jingling the keys as he shoved them into the side. The whir of the car started, cool air blowing from the air conditioning where heat should be. His car was older, so it took a minute to warm up. 

His hands drew up to the wheel as he got ready to drive, before he noticed Jay in the corner of his eye. He looked over all the way to his friend, taking a second to study him. He was shaky, and tugging at the edges of his sleeves. His eyes were more tired than usual, and an unusual amount of worry circled his expression. His eyes were stuck forward, looking out the window as if to avoid looking at Tim. Tim turned his eyes to the window, seeing if he could catch anything his partner could have been looking at, but the way was clear. 

A hand left the wheel, and Tim leaned a little towards Jay's space, concerned. 

“Is everything okay? Do you need anything?” He asked gently, careful not to be too close or too loud. Jay had acted like this before for many reasons, including overstimulation, so Tim knew not to take his chances with anything too strong or invasive. 

Jay hesitantly glanced over to Tim, clearing his throat before forcing a smile. “Fine. It’s alright.” He lied, still keeping away from Tim. He wish he could just tell the truth right now. But instead of doing anything useful, he just scooched towards his window. 

Tim decided not to push it, for now at least. Last time he did that, Jay just cried so he’s been careful ever since. If he needed something, he would come to Tim first on his own terms. He knew Tim was safe. 

He was safe. Jay knew Tim was safe. He's been the most comforting thing in these hellacious last couple of years. The only steady thing he had, the ground he stood on when it all fell out under him. He knew Tim would never shatter or break on him. Whether he said it or not, Jay knew Tim loved him. 

He’s just worried it’s not the way he wants. 

On that note, Tim shifted back into his seat, grasping the steering wheel once again. He pulled the car forward and they were on their way. 

The car was silent, other than the radio at the lowest volume pulling slow country music on a foggy channel through the speakers. It didn’t help Jay’s anxiety at all. 

Thoughts raced through his mind. Despite the talks they’ve had about sexuality and gender, (You get comfortable enough after a while.) he was worried. What if Tim wanted a “ _ real _ ” man? What if he just didn’t love Jay like he wanted? What if he just secretly hated him? What if he ruined everything they had when Tim was all that Jay had left? He didn’t have control over any of that.

These thoughts were mostly intrusive, and Jay knew that. He knew the fear he felt was silly. But still… it lingered over him like a sickness. Like when you know a cold is gone, but what if it came back right before you needed it gone? Or if you touched the wrong thing and brought something back worse?

The stillness of the car and Jay’s thoughts were then interrupted by Tim's voice. Jay wasn’t sure how long they had been driving for, but it felt like a while. 

“Are you sure you’re okay? You don’t look… fine.” Tim spoke with concern in his voice, glancing over quickly to Jay and then back to the road.

Jay let out a dry laugh. “I never look fine.”

Tim nodded slowly. “Yeah, maybe. But you look like you have something on your mind… and it can’t be anything good.”

_ I would hope you think it’s good _ .

“I’m- fine, really. Just thinking.”

“About what?”

“Stuff.”

“What kind of stuff?” Tim said with a slight smile. You could hear it in his voice. 

Jay was hesitant on the question. 

Just tell him now. Blurt it out. Whatever effects come after have to come at one point or another. 

“The kind of stuff you think about.” He said quicker than he should have. He wasn’t exactly good at lying. Never was.

Tim wasn’t satisfied with that answer, and it showed on his face. But again, he didn’t push it. So instead he just sighed and left it be.

And placed a firm but comforting hand on Jay’s shoulder, using his thumb to rub it gently. 

A buzz ran through Jay as soon as he did, and then turned to comfort, slightly leaning into it. 

“You can tell me anything, you know that. Take however long you want, but I’m here.” Tim’s voice was gentle, almost like how a mother would speak to her baby. He wasn’t kind with anyone but Jay. 

Jay didn’t respond verbally, but he did nod his head slightly, heaving out his first real sigh in the last 30 minutes. Tim felt his body move with the nod, and grasped his shoulder just a little tighter for a second before pulling it back to take hold of the wheel. 

The silence came back, but this time it was more comfortable. Jay wasn’t as shaky as he was before, his nerves rounding out. Tim really was the most comforting person he knew. (Technically, he was the only person he really knew at this point.) But it wasn’t enough to force the damn words out of his mouth. 

More minutes passed, and more songs played, and more thoughts ran through Jay’s mind. They weren’t as persistent or loud now, but they never really went away. 

"You know,” Tim started again, causing Jay to jump ever so slightly but it wasn’t enough to have really startled him. 

“I think a whole lot as well.” He continued slowly.

A small smile turned up onto Jay’s mouth. “ Yeah? About what,  _ ‘stuff' _ ? ”

Tim laughed through his nose before continuing. “Well yeah, but it’s what kind of stuff that matters.” He says, taking another quick glance to Jay. 

“I think about… Living a normal life again. Renewing my visits to my therapist.” He laughed at that, and Jay lightly giggled at it. But he thought about that stuff too. Always. Jay always thinks about one part of it though. Just-

“Just getting out of this mess alive, hopefully. With you.” Tim finished, smiling to himself thinking about it, feeling good about the the bit he added to the end. 

That struck a chord with Jay. His breath caught, his eyes widening slightly.

_ What’s that supposed to mean?  _

He sat there, still for a minute, leaving the car in silence again. God, he had to stop doing that. 

Tim took notice of the lack of noise quickly though, as he expected Jay to at least say something. He looked over at him again, only for a moment longer than normal before returning his attention back to the road. It was fairly empty, but still. 

“You sure you’re alright?” As soon as Tim said that, Jay snapped out of it, shaking his head and some more hair out of his hat. 

“Sorry, just… zoned out, I guess. Been a little spacey, is all.” Jay responded, leaning back into his seat. 

Tim looked at him again, shrugged it off, then pulled his gaze to his dash board. 

“Ugh. Low on gas, “ He muttered to himself, looking back up to the road. “Gonna have to make a quick pit stop.” Tim mentioned, basically thinking out loud. 

All Jay could feel from that statement was relief.

_ Finally. A break.  _

  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wooo shorter but das okay

Alright, he was getting a break, but now he felt hopeless.

Back at square one, basically. 

Jay pressed his head against the window, watching people enter and leave the gas station they had stopped at, filling their tanks up as Tim had a minute ago. Probably leading normal lives, visiting family. . .

It had to be Christmas now, right?

He sighed, continuing to watch. He kept an eye out specifically Tim, as he had gone into the store to grab a drink and something for Jay to nibble on. He was convinced Jay just needed to distract himself with something simple, so he decided on getting him food. 

_ Food isn't gonna help here.  _

His brain was still running at 5 million hours per hour. He wasn't as terrified currently, but he had about 15 different ideas on how to do this effectively. 

Jay was trying to keep from getting himself worked up again, but it kept getting increasingly harder as he thought of every embarrassing, faulty plan. 

_ Just tell him. It can't be that hard, really. Spit it out. Spit it out. Say it. Stop being a coward, say it and get it over with. He won't hate you. If he does, it's his fault. But yours too. You said it. DON'T SAY IT.  _

Jay shook his head slightly, moving it up from the window and pushing back into the headrest behind him. The thoughts were working against each other at the moment, and they weren't doing Jay any help as his breathing grew heavier, ever so slightly. 

He looked around himself, realizing the overwhelming part creeped up onto him too quickly, and behind his back. The walls of the car felt too close, and the windows were too small, and the roof was too low. Everything was too much. 

_ I have to get out.  _

That's when he had forgotten to keep an eye on Tim's arrival, until he was opening the door and hopping in, the sound of paper bagging crinkling and shifting against one another. 

"Alright, so, I got you some chips and some soda, and I hope it's the kind you like as the selection was a little limited. . ." 

Tim's words trailed off and blurred out in Jay's ears, letting the info coming towards him float away. 

He had to get out.

"Rosswood," He blurred out loudly, interrupting Tim as he had been talking about salt and vinegar flavoured chips. 

The other man stopped aruptly, giving an odd look to Jay. "Huh? What about it? What's wrong?"

"Rosswood." Jay repeated, still facing forward with his ears in his hands. " Something's there, I don't know what. We have to go. " He continued to lie, his voice getting shakier as he went. 

"Now? Is this the thing you've been upset about all day?" Tim asked, leaning forward now without the bags in his hands. 

Jay took it endearingly, and it made his heart ache then. He had sighed, throwing his hands into his lap before balling them up. "Sure, yes, but we just have to go now,  _ please."  _ Jay responded in the most earnest voice he could muster up. Anxiety grew thick in the pit of his stomach. not knowing what he himself wanted from Rosswood. 

Tim fumbled with his seatbelt, nodding quickly. "Alright, alright, we'll go." He then turned to look behind himself, throwing the car into reverse, going to pull out.

"Just relax… Try and munch on those chips on the way there, also. I didn't spend 3 dollars a pop for you to waste it. "


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> OOGA BOOGA LETSAGO

Jay nearly fell out of the car. As soon as they had pulled up to Rosswood, he was already on his feet on go mode. He didn't know what direction he was going or, and honestly could care fucking less about what could be in the trees.

"Jay!" Tim yelled after him frantically, clumsily shoving keys in his pocket and chasing his friend, almost forgetting to slam his door. His hand went to his chest to be sure the camera was on, still following but not close enough. 

Wait a damn minute, Jay!" He continued, trying to grab Jay's attention as they went down the path into the trees. 

Jay could hear him, but couldn't process him. It didn't matter anyways, he didn't care. He just needed out. He was legitimately running away from his problems. To run away from one, he ran towards one that didn't even exist. 

He stopped then, dead in his tracks, almost like he had met a wall. He had forgotten what to even fucking look for. God damnit.

He stood there, staring at nothing as he heard the leaves crunch under Tim's nearing foot steps. His breathing was ragged, his arms chugging along next to him. 

Slowly, Tim halted to a stop behind his friend, doubling over as he caught his breath. "What… the hell… are you looking for?" He asked simply, taking breaks to breathe.

"I…" Jay started, unsure how to respond. What the hell was he even  _ doing _ ? 

"It… has to be around somewhere. It has to be." He half mumbled to Tim, who was upright then with his breathing nearly in check. 

"What has to be where? " Tim inquired, a little more earnest. He placed a hand on Jay's shoulder, taking a step forward towards him. "Look, if you don't tell me, we will have almost no luck finding anything-"

Jay turned sharply, his eyes widened at the hand on his shoulder. He didn't wanna be touched, or seen, or heard. He just wanted to think and come up with his plan. He wanted to be invisible, someone else for once. 

Somewhere else, for now.

He blinked at Tim, before backing away from the hand. He kept eye contact with Tim, watching some of the kindness his eyes fall away. Probably from irritation. 

Jay took a couple of steps, before turning and going full speed. Damn his jog to hell, he was going as fast as he could manage.

"Are you fucking…" Tim started to say, before sighing and following after again. His chest started to hurt again quicker than before, but he kept going. He kept going for Jay. Even if it was frustrating, now. 

_ What was so important that Jay couldn't even tell his partner what was out there?  _

  
  



	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's sad im so sorry

Jay didn't know where he was. He heard Tim scream his name a couple more times, and the leaves around him rustle, and the stream beside him slosh down the way. His foot steps crunching the dead leafs below him, his hands numb from being clenched up.

He didn't know why he was too. Why he was doing… This. This wasn't a solution, or even an excuse. It was a sad attempt at getting away. 

Why was he getting away? What reasons? From what Jay remembered, Tim is who he runs  _ to. _

He's the blankets. He's the teddy, the light, his blood. The rock above the eversinking sand. 

He would kill for Jay. For God's sake, Tim would do it to himself for Jay. If it meant Jay got to live. 

Tim has done everything for Jay for years now. He  _ was _ his everything. He was shelter. 

_ Why is he running from the very thing that would protect him no matter what? _

That's when Jay's lungs and knees finally gave out. And so did his tears. He didn't know where he was, but all he knew was he was sobbing on his knees in the clearing, gasping for air. 

He stayed there for a minute, dry heaving, questioning everything now as he reclaimed a normal breathing pattern.

_ What was he  _ really doing? 

Tim trailed behind then, coming up to Jay at the opening of the clearing. Any concern he felt now was purely done. He was fed up with the running. He was getting to the bottom of this  _ now. _

"What in the hell are you thinking?" Tim started his rant, clicking the camera off them. "You run me into the woods, and then leave me behind, finding god knows what, and you won't even look at me? You can't just fucking do that! We're together on this, I was patient, but you don't get to do _that!_ _That_ is what we're _not_ doing. We are _NOT_ running away from eachother." Tim yelled, emotion rampant in his voice.

He was finished with this.

He stood there idle for a minute, panting as he had given up half his voice for that. He waited again, wanting Jay's response. And after 15 seconds, Jay didn't deliver. 

The lack of communication once more lit a flame under Tim's ass. 

"Oh, what, are you even gonna tell me what's wrong now that we're here-? "

"Do you wanna know what's wrong, so bad?" Jay yelled back, his voice cracking. "Do you really wanna know why I'm acting like a fucking lunatic, really?" He continued, standing up now.

"It'd definitely be preffered-"

"Shut  _ up!  _ It's  _ you! _ It's fucking you!" Jay started the string, and then the word vomit poured out. He didn't even take time to notice Tim's almost hurt expression in response to the answer. 

"It's all you. It's laying awake at night, wondering how much you really like me. If I'm something you'd even  _ consider _ to care about. If I'm  _ enough _ for you. The never ending dread you exist, that you're so perfect and I don't know if I can match it." Tears rolled down Jay's face in sheets. In his mind, he wanted to stop so bad, but he just couldn't. He had to do this. 

"Wondering, if I could ever even make it out of this bullshit and just be normal with you. If this is all we will ever be fucking amounted to, this  _ bullshit _ that hurts you and me. I wish it didn't hurt so much, I wish you didn't have to hurt. I wanted to just take it all away, find a fucking permanent apartment, stay with you. 

"It's all because I just care. I care so fucking much. I care about you, I want everything to be okay for you. You deserve so much more, and I don't know if I can give you that. " He choked back on a sob, stifling any interruption. He still refused to even look at Tim, keeping his eyes to the ground as his tears messed into the dirt beneath him..

"I don't know if I can be that perfect for you, and that's what scares me. Because I love you, I love you so much. I want to love and live and be there, and just exist. I want to be the steady in your storm, in a normal storm. Not this fucking hurricane. To be sure you make it out alive, because I won't as long as I don't make it out with you-- " 

His words were stopped then, as he felt arms pulled around him. His face was pressed into Tims shirt now, and so we're his cries. The racked his lungs, nearly choking on snot and tears. Tim's hand rubbed his partners lower back, placing a kiss on his head as Jay cried. 

"I don't deserve you." Jay sobbed into Tims flannel, grabbing the material. 

"I know," Tim sighed out, his eyes closed now. 

"You deserve so much better."


	5. Chapter 5, The Gentle End.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wooo the end please tell me what ya think :3 was made in like. 2 hours so excuse how shit it is

Minutes passed. It had to been only 15 now, but it felt like hours to them. 

Hours of this. Tim had laid himself and Jay onto the ground next to a tree, leaning his back against it with the smaller male curled up in his arms. Jay had finally stopped crying, and now he only laid almost still, his body slowly raising up and down as his lungs filled with air. 

Tim was rubbing small circles into Jay's shoulders, messing with his hair as well. Just light touches to let him know he was there. To be honest, this was the calmest he had seen Jay in a while. Like a dam had finally broke and he was able to just let it all go steadily for once.

His words still rang in Tim's ears. He had heard it all, but still couldn't believe most of it. Not in a bad way either. 

It just felt nice to hear that Jay also felt good about the get out together plan. 

He wanted to hold on to this moment for ever. Sweet, warm, but a little too round at the edges. Almost sad. 

But sadly, all things end.

Jay sat up finally, looking Tim in the eyes. Jay's were puffy and red, and his cheeks were flushed. But he was happy. His eyes were gentle in the golden hours glow. And his smile was kinder than any gesture he could have given Tim.

"You okay now?" Tim nearly whispered, pushing a piece of hair out of Jay's face and behind his ear before turning his hand under to hold Jay's cheek in his hand. 

Jay simply let out a breathy sigh, sitting up a little more as he lets his head into Tims hand. "You?"

Tim laughed lowly in his throat. "As much as I can be." Jay smiled fully at that, looking down some. 

A stretch of silence came between them again, but this time it was comfortable. 

Tim just had to know though…

"Did… did you really mean all that? All those things you said?" He was a little careful to ask now, despite knowing what answer he'd be given.

Jay looked at him, tilting his head to the side a little bit and leaning it forwards towards Tim. "Of course." He responded, a soft tone applied to his words. His hand was on Tim's now, and his smile was stuck to his face. 

"Of course I meant every word of it. You're… worth. Every word of it. You always have been. " Jay's eyelids dropped a bit some, still staring at the bigger man holding him like he was the only person in the world that mattered. 

"I really just… wasn't sure how to say it. Yet." He exhaled a laugh gently. 

Tim's heart could have flown out if his throat then if he let it. 

Looking at Jay now, hearing him and only him talk to Tim like this, was all he ever wanted. He knew it already but god…

He cares about Jay more than anything. 

Tim watched Jay then, feeling emotion rise up in his chest.

"I love you, " He let slip suddenly, the sound ringing in the air before he continued. 

Jay's breath caught just a bit, replaying the words in his mind before speaking. 

" And I'll never let you go. " Jay finished Tim's sentence. 

Sadly, all things end. 

But this, was infinite. 

One day, they'll be okay. 

They'll be okay _together_


End file.
